The Sand Castle

Old film projector

Movie night

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When your daddy small, little stars-in-my-sky, we used to watch movies together, your grandfather and I, your daddy, Uncle Michael and Uncle David. We didn’t have videos (imagine that!), so we would get films from the library and play them on a projector. More than once your daddy fell asleep on my lap in the dark as the film projector made its shushing noise.

We watched old funny movies I’d watched as a child. We watched movies my mother watched as a child, silent movies that are still so very funny. Sometimes, we’d even watch them backwards and make up silly things for the people to say. Popcorn and root beer and ice cream, giggles and warmth.

And we watched a movie about magical creatures who lived in the sand far away, who built a sand castle to play in and danced on its towers. Funny creatures full of mischief, who slept under the sand when the wind blew. “Again!” daddy would say. “Again!” That night he would roll into his bed like a little sand creature, rumpling his blankets into walls, and fall asleep dreaming of the sound of wind and flutes. He and his brothers played sand creature, rolling and slithering, pushing and patting blankets and pillows into walls of imaginary sand. Then the make-believe wind would come, and the air would be full of colorful fluttering blankets drifting down over everyone. Daddy’s invisible friend Charley Barley would play too, making mischief, tweaking blankets, pinching toes. Charley Barley loved the Sand Castle.

Three little boys (and Charley Barley) grew up, and The Sand Castle receded into yesterday, just a wisp of sand-colored music or a bit of dream. But I remembered. I held my images of golden sand and dancing creatures, and little boys with golden hair rolling silly on the floor, building dreams with blankets and pillows and stuffed toys, singing the song of flutes. And I knew that someday, I would share The Sand Castle with their children, who would say, “Again!” and together we’d build our own magic.

And perhaps, just perhaps, Charley Barley would come out to play.

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Plip!

Tadpole

Tadpole

I went for a walk the other day, little stars-in-my-sky. If you had been with me, we could have talked to the pollywogs together.

It’s just the edge of summer now, and the ponds and puddles are filled with wriggly-squiggly pollywogs, little frogs-to-be, and perhaps a few salamanders as well. Near my home there’s a ditch that swells with water in the spring, then it’s a race with the sun, for the tadpoles to grow to frogs before the water dries away. The surface is covered with a velvety layer of tiny green duckweed, like the tiniest lily pads, floating with their silky thread roots dangling below. I used to love duckweed when I was your age. I never knew what I might find beneath it, crawfish or pollywogs or baby fish.

I walked gently to the edge of the water, not wanting to scare the pollywogs. Have you seen pollywogs, my littles? They’re like jumpy brown commas in the water, tiny and slippery and very fast. They eat tiny bits of things in the water, and when they’re big enough you can barely feel them nibble at your fingers in a tickly sort of way.

Frogspawn

Frog eggs

As my shadow touched the water, it seemed very still, with the duckweed floating in a speckled mat. Then, plip! One little pollywog felt my shadow and flipped his tail out of the water as he sped to the safety of the bottom. Plip! Plip! Two more. Then suddenly the surface of the water was dancing and singing, plip-plip-plip, plip-plip, plip-plip-plip-plip, as hundreds of tiny tails slapped the water. And just like that, it was still again. I told them not to be silly, I only wanted to keep them company for a while, but you know how pollywogs are.

Maybe your shadows wouldn’t frighten them so much. Shall we try it?

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The Power of Light

Sky full of stars

You shine in my night.

I miss you so much, little stars-in-my-sky. My world seems dark and scary right now, with half-seen monsters lurking in the shadows. I feel alone, so alone sometimes, but through it you shine like the cluster of stars at Orion’s heart, mighty beyond your size, light and hope given life.

You take the salt from my tears and the ache from my heart, just by being. Time and distance don’t matter, because you’re part of me, and I’m part of you. We give each other the future: your life flows from mine, my life takes meaning from yours, entwined in time as grandmothers and grandchildren always have been. And when I’m with you, I feel made of light.

I believe in the power of your love. It may not be able to chase the monsters away entirely, but it makes them look small and silly, and scuff their feet in embarrassment. They know that Max commands the Wild Things, and Maddy dances with the sunlight, and Sabrina holds all the strength of tomorrow in her tiny smile. And they know that they command only weak shadows, and slink back in shame and confusion before your power.

I can almost feel your touch on my cheek, saying “I love you” skin to skin, as I once did for you, and your father before you. I fall asleep in peace to dream of stars and rose-scented winds.

You anchor my world.

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Breath of Roses

Pink wild rose bloom

There was a breath of roses on the wind

After the rain shushed and patted my roof all night (I love the sound of rain, don’t you?), the sun came out and it was a perfect day. I went to walk on the beach, little stars-in-my-sky, and you went with me in my heart.

Waves grumbled against the beach, sifting pebbles with fingers of foam in a silky under-whisper, and the wind smelled of wild roses. It curled around me, intoxicating, calling, pulling me until I found the source. And then there they were, higher than my head, warmed by the sun, the first wild roses of summer.

I would have helped you climb the pale silvery driftwood so you could see the highest petals, nodding in the onshore wind. We would stroke the leaves between our fingers, so very thin but so surprisingly tough, and laugh at the way the spicy scent clung to our fingers. I could never get enough of that scent when I was small like you. I would tell you about the summers I visited my aunt on the island where she lived, where every day was filled with wild roses and the shimmer of bright orange California poppies along the roads and sidewalks. The smell of salt and seaweed and wild roses would dance in my dreams long after we went home, mixed with waving sticky starfish feet and tiny crabs scuttling to hide between my fingers when I picked them up. I would tuck a few small leaves in your pockets, so the breath of roses would follow you home, even after it faded from your skin. And then you would pick some yourself, being careful of the tiny prickles, and tuck them into my pockets too, because you’re wise enough to know that even grandmothers need dreams.

Three seagulls

Seaguls flashed and circled overhead

Think of me, my littles, when next you smell wild roses on the wind. I’m there, all around you, waiting until we can be together again.

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Max’s Quilt

Max's quilt fabrics

Max's quilt fabrics

I was playing with my stash of quilt fabrics the other day, and came across the fabric I bought to make a baby quilt for you, Max. Did you know I bought them long before you were born? I did. I found the main fabric, all hoppy with tropical frogs, before you were even a glimmer in the future, dreaming that someday I would have a grandson to make a special quilt for. When I learned that you were coming, I spent hours shopping for colorful fabrics to go with it, dreaming of wrapping you in a warm quilt made with my own hands. It was my way of making you real, long before you arrived, of loving and giving to the unmet spirit that was you.

My mother used to make baby quilts for friends and family, since I was just a little girl. When I got big enough, she would let me help. Together we’d pick out fabric, and lay it out in a simple sandwich with the fluffy batt in the center. Then we’d thread our thick, blunt needles with matching yarn, and with my grandmother we’d tie the quilts together while we talked and dreamed. One of the things I dreamed about was someday making quilts for my own babies and grandbabies. Quilts to wrap a new life in a cocoon of warmth and joy. Quilts that baby fingers could hold for comfort. Quilts for sleeping warm and safe, wrapped in my love, no matter how close or how distant we were. My quilts would be love made visible.

I made quilts for my own three babies. Your daddy’s was my favorite, all bright colors surrounded by a pale yellow border. How he loved that little blankie. And how he hated it when his baby brother learned to crawl, and would grab his quilt. We used his quilt to play Roly Poly Pudding and peek-a-boo, and snuggle for story time. It was there when he slept, there when he played, there when he cried, and there when adventures and scary things made a small boy’s life a little uncertain.

I wanted so much to make quilts for you and Maddy, my Max. I was so excited to welcome you to the world, and our family, with a gift made by my own hands. I was sad when your daddy said he didn’t think you needed one, and that I shouldn’t make one for you. I put the fabrics away carefully in a box, but I couldn’t bear to give them away. I still keep them safe, and from time to time I take them out and smooth them with my hands, playing with the colors and dreaming of what a fine little quilt I would have made, all bright with tropical colors and hoppy frogs. The smooth crisp fabric against my skin comforts me, connecting me to you and to my own mother and grandmother in a chain of tradition and love. The bright colors remind me of the flashing joy of those days, when you were just a possibility, and when you were new, and when you were growing, my little Wild Thing.

Even dream blankets can be warm and safe.

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A Handful of Daisies

Clown anemone fish

Nemo fishes dancing in the water

Last weekend, I got to see you, little stars-in-my-sky. It was the best unexpected birthday present ever, to spend the whole afternoon with you at the zoo. How you’ve grown! You sounded so grown up, Max, though you’re not yet five years old. I’ve hardly ever heard you talk before, you’re such a man of few words, and you’ve been so shy with this stranger grandmother. Fortunately sharks and seahorses make for instant friends, there in the underwater twilight. You drank it all in, belly down and nose to nose with a giant, living shark longer than your daddy. I wish we could go back, just the two of us, to that magical green light, watching the sharks swim lazily by, watching seahorses as tiny as Sabrina’s thumb, curling through the weeds and water. I’d teach you the names of the fishes you loved so much, spiky puffers and whirring cowfish, beaked parrot fishes and grumpy wrasses, and little Nemo fishes nestled in the pink and green anemones.

Tiny daisies

Tiny daisies in the grass

Maddy, you positively danced through the sunlight, bringing me tiny daisies picked fresh from the grass, one by one at first, then by the cupped handful, your palms overflowing with white and gold. I held them like the small miracle they were, the first time we’ve ever shared flowers. Did you know that I love flowers, little Maddy? I learned to love them from my own grandmother. In a few weeks my yard will smell of roses and honeysuckle, and I’ll think of you and wish we could share them, drinking their spicy-sweet smell as we hunt for peppermint spiders and little frogs hiding in the leaves. You’d wear your Rapunzel braid again, curling at the end like a golden question mark, gleaming in the sun as you danced from bloom to bloom just like a happy butterfly. And I’d show you my very special flowers, the ruffled deep pink peonies my grandmother brought from far away many years ago. Perhaps someday, when you’re grown, I can give you a young peony plant, as my mother’s mother gave her daughter, and my mother gave hers. For nearly a century they’ve been passed down now, through four generations. I’ll keep them with me, and keep them safe for you.

Baby's blue eyes

Sparkling blue eyes

And little Sabrina-Bee. Such blue, blue eyes, so like your beautiful mother’s, as is the shape of your face. You have your daddy’s fuzz of blond hair, though. You didn’t know what to make of this stranger, did you? But after we played with your ladybug hat for a bit, you decided we should be friends. You seem to be a good baby, quietly soaking in the world like your Uncle Michael, storing it up for exploration later. Your fingers are sturdy and pudgy, not newborn fingers anymore, and too busy to grip Grandma’s finger now. I wish I’d gotten to feel that again, the sweet grip of a tiny baby falling off to sleep in my arms, my own by one generation away. But this day, I got to see the bright gleam in your eyes, and make you smile.

I don’t know when I’ll see you again. It was hard, so hard, to walk away at the end of the day while your daddy took you off for ice cream. Will you remember? Will there be sharks and daisies in your dreams, to remind you of a perfect, sunny afternoon with your grandmother? There will be in mine. Always.

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As Close As The Salt In My Veins

Newborn baby

First cries

Little Sabrina-Bee. It’s hard to believe you’re six months old now, and I’ve only seen you once. I hear you’ve got teeth now, and I wonder: do you have real hair yet? Or are you still wearing golden fuzz, like your daddy at your age? I dream, sometimes, of kissing the top of your head and nuzzling that soft, warm fuzz, remembering when my own boys were tiny like you. There was always that quiet time when I could just sing softly or murmur happy nonsense, watching a sleepy, milky smile and rubbing my cheek on the velvet of my baby’s head. Spider web silky, glistening like dandelion wishes, soft as a breath. But babies don’t keep, and almost in a heartbeat your daddy was a big boy. I’ve been waiting to touch that magic again ever since, just for a little while. I looked forward to your birth so I could hold you, give you another safe place in your world, one more circle of loving arms, one more voice to make you feel loved and protected. No baby can have too many people who love her. No baby can have too many voices to make her feel soothed and at home.

I was so happy when I learned you would be coming to us. It didn’t matter whether you would be a boy or a girl. You would be a baby, our baby, child of my child, and that’s all that mattered. That’s what made the stars sing. My family – my mother’s family, my grandmothers’ family – part of an unbroken chain going back through generations, across cold oceans and far lands, through lullabies murmured in many languages, and going forward into the unknown long after I’m gone. Blood of my blood, breath of my breath, one generation removed yet as close as the salt in my veins.

I pictured the moment when I would get to meet you, with your face still rumpled and angry after the hard work of being born, consoled and calmed by your mother’s familiar voice, and ready now to hear a new voice as well. I would marvel at your tiny, beautiful fingers, almost too perfect to be real, delicate translucent nails and surprisingly strong grip. I would touch each of your fingers, not counting them, just getting to know them, touching you so you would know me as well. Stroking your toes and the soles of your feet, watching them wriggle in recognition as my warmth replaced the unfamiliar feel of cloth. Tracing the seashell curve of your tiny ear. Teaching you skin to skin that I’m a part of you as you’re a part of me, little star-in-my-sky, child of my child, and I will always love and protect you. Letting my warm touch welcome you to this world, supported in a web of family, letting you drift off to sleep on my breast as your mother rested. Sharing my heartbeat with you as I had shared it, so long ago, with your father. I carried him under my heart once, little Bee, just as your mother carried you.

So many grandmothers miss that magical time, the first spark of bonding, because they can’t be there. They live too far away, and babies come when they will. I was right here, little Bee, waiting, thinking of you day and night and picturing you and imagining your warmth and weight in my arms, your little kitten-cry. A thousand times I imagined it, your sound, your touch, your smell, the rise and fall of your tiny chest. Now, I don’t know how to imagine you. Do you look like Sister? If you do, then you look just like me. Do you roll around, or scoot on the floor? Do you laugh a lot, or cry? Have you found your toes yet? Does daddy nibble them to make you laugh? Do you solemnly watch your fingers playing together, or have you grown past that now?

Who are you, little Bee? Will I know you? Will you ever really know me?

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Eagle Voices

Bald Eagle Perching on a Branch

Bald Eagle Perching on a Branch

I went for a walk in my favorite park yesterday, little stars-in-my-sky, an almost secret little garden full of surprises and treasures. It sits on the bluff above the bay, so the wind tosses the flowers and leaves and brings the smell of saltwater to wrap around the trunks of the tall trees and through the hushing leaves of the Japanese maples. It also brings a pair of courting eagles.

I wish you could have been with me so I could share it with you. I always feel a sense of wonder and wildness when I hear the eagles, there in that little patch of color surrounded by city. First you hear their voices, a high, chirruping calling more like seagulls, you think, than bald eagles, circling far above the trees. Two voices, dancing in the sky, weaving in the wind. Then huge, dark wings swoop down, and they land, one, two, in the very top of the tallest evergreen tree. Together on a single branch, they make it dip and sway, needles swishing. This year, they brought the yearlings they raised last year, five eagles in a single tree, like huge, noisy fruit a hundred feet above the ground. They preen and they chuckle together, just like the human families passing below them. The male and female, white heads and tails gleaming, sit close together, basking in the sun or using the rain to clean their feathers. The juveniles bounce and jostle on a branch below, like three siblings in the backseat, gray-brown-black feathers rumpled from their constant motion.

There’s no other sound like it, eagle voices greeting each other, piercing and sweet and wild. It makes me stop and look up, searching for magic, for the majestic birds that a generation ago were nearly gone, forlorn pairs sitting year after year on empty nests. It fills me with delight to see three bumptious young ones, and know that they were hatched and raised here, above my head, as I enjoyed the changing seasons in this little garden. When we heard their voices, we’d stop and listen together, and I’d tell you about eagles, and how they were nearly gone, and how they were rescued. Together we’d watch to see which branch they chose, then we’d hold hands and walk around until we found just the right spot in that tiny park, where we could watch and listen to the little family chuckling and scuffling. And when they took to the air again, our hearts would go up with them, freed on the wind, and I’d see the same excitement shining in your eyes.

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Heartbreak in Your Bones

Crown of Stars - Edward Robert HughesI lie awake sometimes, wondering what I could have done, how I could have been different, to keep my grandchildren in my life. The ache closes in, spreading from my heart outward, until my arms and legs feel heavy and alien, and my bones ring with it. Where wasn’t I enough? What small thing that I don’t even remember did I say that was so wrong it hardened into a barrier? How am I not good enough? Why isn’t my love enough to make it worth working together?

I carried this man, this young father, joyously under my heart. I walked with my eyes open into the valley of the shadow to bring him into the light. Isn’t my motherhood, through two generations, as strong and as sacred as this new mother’s? Don’t I deserve a chance to understand and make right?

The pain becomes physical, sinking in as though it had always been there, making itself a part of my reality, shaping itself into my very being. The next day it drags at my limbs, making me slow and clumsy, adding a ghost of sadness to every movement. Tears lurk on the edge of every thought.

Who would have guessed it, that you could carry heartbreak in your bones?

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Wind and Shadows

Stained-Glass Waves

The waves glowed golden as they danced against the beach.

I thought of you as I walked along the beach this evening, with the tide high against the driftwood. I imagined we sat together on the huge driftwood logs, with you warm against my side, the wind blowing our hair as the sunk sank into the glittering water. The light shined through the tops of the waves like stained glass, then turned the foam gold and made each pebble shine like a coin. As the sun got lower and lower and the horizon turned purply-orange, a curious thing happened: all the shadows turned a strange transparent blue-green, almost an inside-out kind of light. Everywhere we looked, the dark shadows gave way to glowing underwater shapes, moving mysteriously. Hollows in the white driftwood filled up with liquid aquamarine, surrounded by gentle peachy light. Leaves blowing in the wind scribbled aqua trails on the ground. The trees cast cool skeletons reaching across the grass. People trailed smoky greenish shadows, gangly gigantic striding figures as delicate as glass and as strange as dreams.

When we tired of jumping from log to log and chasing the waves, we would have played on the playground in the pooled shadows climbing up from the ground, and I would have watched you race the shadows up the ropes of the climbing structure, until you stood in the last light far above my head, your hair streaming out like living gold. Your baby sister snuggled warm and sleepy in my arms, her nose pink from the wind. The birds chirped their last sleepy lullabyes and the waves hushed against the shore behind us. And I would have thought, can any grandmother anywhere in the world be more blessed than I am?

Glowing driftwood shadows

Strange transparent shadows lay everywhere

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